There’s no other way to say it, I was hard and moist at the same time. All parts of me wanted it, right then and there. For the first time ever, I’m throbbing all over, simply by words that are being spoken. This human has evoked in me, the freeing power of being so profoundly attracted to someone sexually, by their mind, our energy, our emotional connection. That’s when I was no longer gay or straight or lesbian or bi or whatever the fuck I had spent my whole life trying to figure out… I was now just enlightened.
The planets were aligned, the birds were singing, bees were buzzing, and the wind was blowing just right enough to toss up my dress, giving me the Marilyn Monroe effect. Only I wasn’t trying to hold it down, I wanted those piercing hazel eyes to see my blue French lace boxer thongs glistening in the sun, as I twirled around and around, in what seemed like a moment in a movie that should have been in slow motion.
It was a sight to see. But lets just pause it riiiight here for a second and go back… lace boxer thongs? Yes, they exist, thanks to me and my lingerie line. That’s how I became the successful badass that I am today, though it started when I was born.
A rebel at birth. A wildling.
A Pisces is born, two fish swimming in opposite directions.
The LoChers, my parents, were anxiously pacing in the waiting room at the maternity ward for the announcement of their first son, Alex. Me!
After several failed pregnancies, they reluctantly went with a surrogate, Kierra, whom they hired as a live-in nanny when mom was 8 months pregnant with Paris, my older sister. Natalie, the oldest, was a mistake. Or at least, that’s what I overheard mom say on the phone with her friend, one fine summer day. Mom and Dad were having an affair for a few months, and oops, conception. Not long after that, she got pregnant again, and that’s when dad left his first wife. Mom believes because of her sin, God has made her infertile by giving her early menopause. But really, the truth is — oh shit, here comes the doctor!!
“Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. LoCher, Alex is here!” Dr. Ryan exclaims.
They shake hands, “When can we see him? And how is Kierra?” Dad asks.
“She is recovering from the c-section, but well. Let’s go into my office so that we can discuss her care.”
Mom, a straight shooter, says directly, “So Dr. Ryan, I noticed you ignored his first question. When can we see our son?”
He pauses and smiles, “Very soon. They’re cleaning him up…” he hesitates and clears his throat, “and running some tests. Let’s go to my office for a moment”.
Dad asks, “Wait, what do you mean, running tests? What’s going on, Dr. Ryan?”
In a matter-of-fact way, he answers, “Lets just go to my office, there we can discuss Alex and Kierra, so that you two can go see them both right away. Deal?”
Mom grabs Dad’s hand as they lock eyes and exhale. She leads the way, as he cups the small of her back in tow.
Passing through the double doors towards his office, there was a hush and faint rumble in the halls, as all eyes were on them.
Mom, being the boss that she is, just stared back like, “What… watchu lookin’ at?”
You know that look. Meanwhile, Dad is clinching tighter on her fingers to get her attention… because he knows that look too. Haha!
Finally in the office, it’s Mom and Dad, Dr. Ryan, and the nurse, Mrs. Bell. No one was speaking. The tension was so thick, you could cut it with a chainsaw… because it would have broken a knife.
“Ok doc, spit it out”, Mom demanded.
“Alright, Kierra has been moved to her room, is resting and — “
Mom interrupts, while clapping her hands on every other word and twisting her neck, “I swear to God, if you don’t tell me what’s going on with my son right now, I will come over there and — “
“Give you a high five”, Dad intervenes to save the day. “Just please tell us why we’re in here and where’s our son?”
Mrs. Bell gives Dr. Ryan a folder, he opens it, flips through the pages of the test results, and shakes his head in confusion. “I’m sorry Mr. and Mrs. LoCher, I don’t have an answer for this. All tests for vitals have come back normal, Alex is a healthy baby, so that’s really great news!! It’s just that Alex, is not umm… a boy, like we saw on the ultrasound.”
In almost, utter disappointment, “We have another girl?!?!” Dad asks.
With a puzzled face, unsure how to find the right words to explain, he says, “It seems, that uhh, you have, a girl… and a boy.”
“Twins? Twins?!?! There’s no way. Really?” Mom says, shocked but growingly excited. “I mean, we would have seen twins on the –“
“No” Dr. Ryan exhales, “Alex is, a boy… and a girl. Alex has both male… and female parts, a penis and a vagina with ovaries. Alex is intersex”